My name is Aiden. I am just shy of twenty years old, so yes that makes me nineteen. I am a transman, a transgender male, meaning I am biologically female. I forget this, I practically forget this everyday. That's why I am starting this blog, to remember. I need to remind myself where I have come from and where I am now. I find it surprising that I can forget my trans identity so quickly when it rules my everyday actions. It is the reason I get anxious in classrooms and a multitude of social situations. It is the reason I have to use the bathroom stall and that I cannot just walk up to the urinal. It is the reason I try so hard to just look good in a shirt and jeans. Some days it is the very reason I cannot get up, the reason I can't leave my bedroom. Some days it is the reason I won't stop talking and the reason I'll show up. Being transgender brings me fear, gives me strength, makes me happy, or forces me to tears. Most of all it is the reason I wake up breathless and frustrated in the middle of the night. I don't know how much longer I can live uncomfortably, where occasionally I am reminded, because I force myself to forget. My goal was to not be so depressing, especially for the first post, but this is my reality.
I have been fighting this inner struggle to decide when and where I want to stop teetering the line of being a visible transman or an invisible man.
